This has been a consistent topic I’ve talked about with the people in my life over the past year. Self-compassion and self-trust are two totally different things but necessary skills. Self-compassion is the kindness and love you give towards yourself as well as allowing yourself time to feel your feelings. While self trust can be believing that you deserve those moments and to continue to give yourself that trust.

Quick story, trigger warning for shootings. Back in September I witnessed a shooting right outside my apartment building taking the life of women. I’ve heard people say, “well at least it wasn’t some crazy guy taking whoever, sounded personal” or “at least you were safe in your apartment.” But you don’t know that in the moment. What was louder than those six gun pops was the silence that followed after. The feeling of uncertainty and unsafeness lingering.

Since then, I think my nervous system has become dysregulated. I always feel like my defense is up, that if somebody is walking to close I’m in harm’s way. That I constantly need to be on stand by if something happens, because since I had my guard down and something bad happened once I have to be prepared the next time.

Let’s Define It…

What’s so crazy is there was a quote I remember from Dr. Phil (of all people I know) but I think he did such a basic and to the point explanation of it. To add more to the ironic of it all, it was the Bhad Bhabie episode. Near the end of the episode he begins to dissect her childhood and where the attitude stems from. He starts to explain the type of mindset she’s in. He lifts his arms up into a fighting position and says, “if I go through life like this, with my hands up, I can’t get hurt.” I’ve watched a ton of Dr. Phil episodes through my high school life, I caught every new episode and caught up on all the old ones with my pizza rolls and iced green tea everyday. Out of all the hours I’ve seen of that show, that stuck with me the most. Because that’s really what it feels like sometimes. If you’re prepared with your guard up, you can’t be touched or hurt. But the body holds everything, it gets exhausting and leads to quicker burn out.

Self-trust can look different for everyone or for any situation. In my own words, self-trust is believing in your right to experience a good life. That you don’t have to give something up for the good things, or that you are a bad person just because of an intrusive thought. That because you’re living a different life then everyone else doesn’t mean you failed at life or that since you are experiencing something good, something really terrible is close behind.

In Action…

As like most mental health skills, this doesn’t come overnight. Even having this discussion over several months it still hasn’t really clicked into place. But it’s the small things that show the biggest progress and what helps you get to those bigger epiphanies. But before we get to ways to identify progress, how do we get those small triumphs. This is all about testing and see what feels good, progress won’t come within a couple days or couple weeks so it’s really important to focus on how you feel during the skill and how you feel after. For example, a common skill used for panic attacks are deep breaths. Deep breathing helps panic by downregulating the nervous systems, it helps give the person something to focus on but it also helps the body physically become relaxed, “stimulate the vagus nerve and send signals to our brain to activate the parasympathetic (1 of 2 systems that make up the nervous system) nervous system.” While breathing may help some, it may actually further send people into a deeper spiral. This is normal. When I use this coping skill I tend to focus more on my heart beat, force my breath to slow down, and panic even more when it doesn’t work. So having noticed that it doesn’t help me refocus and calm down, it’s a skill that doesn’t work for me.

However skills such as the ice pack, grounding (5 senses), and, my most recent addition, the weighted blanket, help me get back to that tolerable level of panic. By finding these skills, using them in practice, I’ve made progress. I’m aware that this panic might be something I deal with for the rest of my life, so I’m not looking for a cure or sedative, but something that I can use anywhere reliably and find that self-trust.

What Does It Look Like…

Progress looks like everything. Whether eating better, talking to yourself better, or finding love in your hobbies again. Progress can be even more minuscule things than that. So what does progress look like for you? Something that is day to day, brushing your teeth consistently, drinking more water, saying one nice thing to yourself every morning. This is something for you to figure out and something I’m still on the road to pinpointing.

The sun has set, the beautiful moon has risen as I walk out of my parents house. All the goodies and love I received this holiday season is crammed into my suitcase, overflowing out of my backpack, and tucked into my purse pocket. I hug my parents with a kiss on their cheeks, thanking them for everything. My thanks really goes beyond just this holiday season. As I begin to huck and wrestle my things and pull away, my mom reminds me, “be kind to your mind this year. “

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