With age, we usually forget about the monsters we think live under our bed or that when we get under the covers we’re shielded from any outside terrors. But I’m not scared of whats under my bed or at the foot of it, I’m scared about what follows me into bed when I lay my head on the soft pillow and rest my body under the cold sheets.

The past year, I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health. During such a confusing time in my life, struggling to get employment, rise of AI, prices reaching unlivable standards, I’ve only felt like I’ve been failing after every opportunity and it has to be all my fault. So the time of the day that is supposed to be the most beneficial to help our mental state, a full nights rest, I wasn’t obtaining.

What I physically feel

The exhaustion is heavy, I received whatever number rejection it was on an “entry level” job that requires 8+ years of experience, so I’m not good enough. I’m just begging for the day to end, tomorrow will be a different day. My mouths lingering minty taste grounds me as I take a sip of cold water and focus on my breathing. I’ve been in bed for a couple hours now, trying to get sleep but I don’t know which of my dozens thoughts are keeping me up but it won’t stop nagging. I’m okay, I’m in my bedroom, I hear the low hum of my television and my freshly washed sheets kiss my skin as my hands freeze holding my fourth ice pack of the night. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. My heart rate finally slows and I feel my conscious come back to my body. Finally. I place the ice pack beside me and focus my breathing back to normal as I lay my head on my pillow. I pull the sheets up to my chin and shut my eyes.

The tightness in my chest returns. It’s a heart attack and I’m going to die in my sleep. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. My ears start to ignore the tv and now I can only focus on my irregular heart beat drumming away my consciousness. Soon after, my hands get sweaty, I have to go to the hospital, I can stop it before I die. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. But I’m not, my symptoms keep getting worse. The ache I’ve been feeling in my back is flaring up, that has to be a sign that one of my organs are going to burst. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. The ice bites my hand as I squeeze tighter, hoping I can transfer all of the panic into it. My stomach feels left out, dinner is not able to sit right and threatening to come back up. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. I shoot out of bed and unconsciously get myself to my bathroom, I turn the shower handle to hot then I let the hot water turn my back red. I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay.

Its only been two minutes.

What I mentally feel

The need to act and fix the problem but in reality I can’t fix a problem thats not actually there, is what really amps my panic attacks most. I have the same 3-5 thoughts when being in these moments: “I’m going to die in my sleep,” “I’m experiencing a life threatening situation,” “I need to stay awake to remain alive.” I know it’s really aggressive. What’s even more annoying is there really isn’t much build up until the thought, it feels like it just pops in my head then it sets me off.

But there is also that voice in the back of my head, reminding myself that I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m okay. That the thoughts that are in the forefront are not necessarily true and it’s all based on some of my worst fears. The safe voice also starts to get angry about why my heart rate isn’t slowing down and why am I not relaxing? I told myself I was okay?

To which I’ve know entered the vicious cycle, the intrusive thought having successfully gotten myself to continue the attack by having an internal argument.

How have things changed?

I made a post recently about building a routine which I think is one of the reasons I feel safer to go to bed at night. It always reminds me that I have some sort of plan the next day to look forward too. It also reminds me that there is a tomorrow.

I’ve also integrated some more consistency before bed by writing in my journal. I write about the three things I learned that day, a gratitude prompt and some self esteem prompts. Not only will these help my internal views of myself in the long run, but it also helps relax me before bed and really take a good look back on my day. Cause we all have those days where we felt extra lazy or didn’t get as much work done as we hoped. Well by writing in my journal I’m able to prove to myself, “hey look! We actually did some really productive things today. “

Job hunting has also played a big role on my outlook on life, that because I don’t have a 9-5 I’m a lazy human being. But there’s more to life than selling my soul to a corporation that doesn’t care about me or my existence. So I’ve been able to pick up new and old hobbies and find it more fulfilling to have an adventure everyday and learn more about what I’m capable of. For example, I love to cook, I love to cook for my friends and family, I always want to make sure the people around me have a hot meal to keep them going. But I had fallen out of love with it when I was just cooking the same 10 meals, after trying Hello Fresh and collecting some recipes from them and from my friends and family, I have a new sentiment to cook every meal in my day. And the cooking I do isn’t some 20 minutes and done, it can take a minimum of an hour, but that means I get to put more love into it. Another hobby I picked up was crocheting and it is such a stimulating activity for something that is so stationary. So even when I am having my lazier days, I can still be stimulated by completing a project and not rotting my brain with youtube videos. I can also now make baby blankets for my neighbors who are starting families so their little guys can go to bed at night all warm and cozy!

THings are temporary

After doing therapy for a year, one of my biggest takeaways that I tell myself in the midst of my panic attacks, “this feeling is temporary.” Cause I think that’s what causes me to panic more is responding to the situation thinking it’ll never end. This is something I’ll probably have to to with for the rest of my life, but that shouldn’t scare me or make living impossible. Especially things out of my control after I’ve tried the endless Linkedin connections, and networking, and job applications and head hunters. Sometimes it’s about riding that two minute wave and taking care of myself.

Thank you so much for reading! Have a wonderful day!